Choosing Change

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That was one of the many idioms that my father used to say when I was growing up and it never really made sense to me. I knew the meaning behind it, but I don't think that I ever understood the depth of the message behind it: That you can't force change on a person. You can't make someone do something that they don't want to do; At least not long term. You might be able to get them to do it in the short term, under duress, but long term consistent and permanent change? A person has to want it. Let's unpack this a bit more.

Too often do we mix up what someone does, with who they are (i.e. their identity). Behaviour is shaped by circumstances, patterns, traumas, and sometimes survival strategies—it’s adaptable. Identity however, is your sense of self and is shaped by your values, beliefs, memories, roles, and the meaning you assign to your experiences. It’s deeply personal and often formed through relationships, culture, upbringing, and reflection. Think of your identity, as you "I am" statements to yourself, such as I am kind, I am fair, I am trustworthy, I am resilient.

Behaviour, on the other hand, is what you do. It’s the outward expression of your choices, habits, reactions, and patterns. Your behaviour is observable and changeable. It can be influenced by mood, environment, stress, or even hunger.  You might act against your identity, or out of alignment with your identity during these moments (as an example, how many of us lash out when we're "hangry"?), but it doesn't mean that that's "how you are". Don't confuse behaviour with identity. Just because you failed at something, doesn't make you a failure. Don't internalise the shame and try making who you are. Acknowledge the behaviour without condemning the whole self. Change happens with conscious effort.

You are not your worst moment. You are the one who chooses what to do next.

And honestly, the "next" can be anything you want it to be. You're the director in your life.

🪞A Way to Frame It for Your Readers

You might say:

“Your identity is the soil—rich with your values, dreams, and sense of self. Your behavior is what grows from it. Sometimes weeds appear, but that doesn’t mean the soil is ruined. It means something needs tending.”

Or even:

“You are not your worst moment. You are the one who chooses what to do next.”

Don't carry the guilt from past actions.

This distinction could be a powerful anchor in your blog, especially for readers who’ve been told they “always” act a certain way or who carry guilt from past actions. Want help weaving this into your draft? I’d love to help you shape it with your voice.

 . When someone says, “That’s just the way I am,” they might be shielding themselves from the vulnerability of change. But reminding your readers that behaviors are learned and therefore can be unlearned creates a hopeful frame. You could even weave in how neuroscience supports this: the brain’s capacity for change—neuroplasticity—is living proof that we’re wired to adapt when we’re willing.

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And if each of us are in control of our own lives, then how do you want your next decade to be? What and/or who, do you need to leave behind and what needs to be started or changed? And remember, right now, is as good a time as any.